My last post was brimming with optimism. This post is just empty and brimming with suds like a drained beer in the shower.
Last night I reenacted the scene from Ben Affleck’s depressing 2020 film The Way Back. Long story short I drank a lot of beer in the shower.
What spawned the shower drinking? Let me back up and cut to the chase, because seeing my plans go off the rails may be of interest to readers.
Well, first of all…
Without going into detail, I formerly struggled with a panic disorder that started in my mid-teens and lasted into my 20s that really crippled my life. It made me afraid of open spaces or isolation, and feel like I was about to die or go insane quite frequently.
I got over it three times and am currently about 87% better. This fluctuates, and a lot of uncertainty about what to do and where I “belong” can set it off.
I know the solution to it is not to talk about it and to keep busy and exercise since that is all that’s ever helped in the past (via the Linden Method), which I found out after years of trying other things. It turned out that taking my attention off the “problem” and structuring my days in very goal-oriented ways forgetting I ever had an issue was the only thing which ultimately allowed me to start living again…
Nonetheless it seems to be popping its head up again…
Checking in for my flight from San Jose Costa Rica (SJO) to Fort Lauderdale, FL and then on to Sao Paulo, I was seized by intense panic by the hugely high ceiling and space inside the airport with few points of reference.
Last time I flew out of Costa Rica it was much smaller. It’s been renovated since then.
I can be in a warzone or huge protest and feel totally fine, but huge empty spaces or undefined journeys into places I haven’t been can drive me crazy. I haven’t met anyone who understands it or has experienced it other than for brief periods, but let’s just say it’s extremely unpleasant on par with how a “normal” person might feel if they were asked to step off a high bridge with no rope and shallow water underneath.
What I have met is people who are extremely understanding and empathetic.
At SJO a flight attendant for jetBlue was extremely helpful, walking over to me and saying he understood if I had to turn around or didn’t feel well enough to travel. He let me take my time and encouraged me to do what was best for myself, even explaining how the airport got smaller with a normal height ceiling after the security and so on.
I thought I would have to turn around but I eventually made it.
The guy who helped me, a Tico called Oscar even met me going on the plane and was extremely kind. I asked if he was Christian and he said yes…Somehow I could just tell…
Fort Lauderdale was not bad and not that huge, although I didn’t feel amazing there either.
Once on the flight to Brazil I was OK. Azul Air is amazing and has the best food I’ve ever had while flying as well as very professional and nice staff.
However…
When I went through Brasil’s border control, the federal police took my passport and said there was an issue. The man handed it to a superior and I heard him saying my file had a deportation on it and he wasn’t sure what to do.
Yes, in 2020 I was deported from Brasil after leaving the country incorrectly to try to take shorter flights from French Guyana, Suriname and Guyana. I was doing that because I was scared of my anxiety condition popping up if I tried to go in huge airports like Sao Paulo where all the flights seemed to leave from in Brasil.
Instead, I ended up stranded in these countries and had to pay people to smuggle me across rivers in extremely dangerous and stressful situations. I ended up crossing illegally back into Brasil in the north and then going to ask the border control (federal police) what to do. They then deported me.
However at the time I was told in three months I could come back.
This time I was told that was incorrect.
Gun-toting federal police let me wait while they discussed what to do with me. As they said, my passport had too long an overstay last time I was in Brasil. I would either be sent back to the US that night or be granted a short stay in Brasil.
In the end I was allowed to come in for one month after booking a flight out (from Brasilia).
The officer told me I was very lucky, since in Canada a Brasilian would never be shown that much consideration. He’s probably right. Then he fist bumped me…
Best country ever…
I was basically saved again here by a guy who works for Azul called Ricardo. He came and talked to me, sympathizing with my situation and helping guide me through the airport despite the massive spaces after the border security as well.
He was completely understanding that I have anxiety and didn’t judge me at all, saying God bless you, encouraging me to stay positive and not worry about it.
I am so grateful…
While I am disappointed that I can’t pursue my plans to stay longer in Brasil, I guess this is fate in some way.
I took an Uber from the airport in Sao Paulo and came up here to a beautiful city called Rio Claro about an hour north. My Uber driver let me use his Wi-fi, telling me to relax and no worries. The password was “God is Love” (Deus é amor).
I also thought about an e-mail I’d gotten from Sara (hi Sara!) a friend of mine who lives in a small town in Georgia (the state of Georgia for my Sakartvelo friends). I met her in Jerusalem where we struck up a friendship discussing theology and life and she invited me to visit if I’m in the area.
Then I’d come to Brasil and been told I might have to go directly back to the US, not to mention that I also want to visit my friend Shaun and my friends Zach and Meghan…It looks like fate is pointing that way.
In any case:
After arriving in Rio Claro and sleepwalking through the morning, my plans changed. The place I was going to stay is too far out of the city, so I ended up at a nice hotel where I chatted for a couple hours to the receptionists, including one who I made friends with and who I talked about the COVID agenda and New World Order with.
Brasilians are extremely friendly, genuine and funny, so much moreso than most other countries that it’s actually hard to even compare. Every person I’ve met has wanted to talk to me, joked around, been extremely helpful and gone out of their way to assist me, which is also what I experienced the last time I was in Brasil.
I love this country because of the people. It also has an atmosphere completely unlike other countries that’s very special and unique. I already had five new friends and was laughing away in the first 20 minutes I arrived in Rio Claro on Thursday while setting up a Brazilian phone number.
Not to mention the friends I already have here who are so great…
What’s next, pilgrim?
Next I am off to a city called Uberaba which is supposed to be interesting and has some strange cult activity in it that could be relevant to my book research. I’ll stay at least a few days and continue working on my book Cultworld.
Then I plan to head to Goias and visit a friend and then focus on work. I’m booked back to Costa Rica in mid-November when my month limit is up. I am still deciding what part of Costa Rica to go but I love it there and will lay low and work on my writing this time for a month or two.
From there I hope to go to the US as long as the Biden regime doesn’t put in a vaccine mandate for inbound air travelers by then.
Let’s see what happens.
Stay safe everyone and take care.